Khaki Blouse from G2000 // Dress from H&M // Shoes from H&M
Recently someone I know, said something which I felt really hurtful. Not really offensive but utterly hurt. He actually said: "If only you have an angelic face... "
(Just so happen, the photo above, I had it caption as "Angel from heaven" on my Instagram)
I replied rudely, " Ya, then give me money for plastic surgery. I can alter any part of my face as long as I stopped getting judgmental first impression." He replied back," I don't understand what are you saying."
I am always a cheerful and bubbly person in front of some of my friends. I am always telling people that I love my face. Also, you will not be paid to stare at my face. So, if you don't like my face then DON'T LOOK.
How I wish I can be really pretty too. I always tell myself that I am pretty even if the end replies are people calling me thick skinned, ewwww only people like you will praise yourself.
Ya. Cos' I love myself. I want to spread more love. I admit I still rants on my Facebook.
I had never really get many people to listen attentively to me when I talk. I feel very blessed if I have a handful.
Everyone around me seems to always believe the better looking (erm can I also add on with the word thinner? ) one. If you have read my blog posts about my painful experience from milia extraction since age of 11/12, I really make efforts to look good. Even if so, I got verbally insulted for having white dots appearing on my face. The worse insult was from a student leader.
She said to the people of her race about "what is the actual cause of my face" from her mother right in front of me, "she is very dirty that's why she have such dirty things growing on her face."
WOW SO SCIENTIFIC AND SO MUCH LOGIC AND EXPLANATION.
I was never serve politely at most places.
Even in my workplace, there was that one time, a customer imitated me as I said: " HELLO WELCOME" and also "THANKS YOU FOR COMING!" with enthusiasm. The same customer called me fat and ugly. Verbally said " Ugly people always cause trouble to others". 华文就是“丑人多作怪”
My boss was really bad. REALLY REALLY BAD. He told me that it was all my fault. Whatever, I did was my fault. Is my tone that irritated them, my over friendliness that people do not like me. I am speaking too loudly, which makes people finds me annoying. My facial expression which also makes people feel annoyed. I broke down when I got back home. There was no one for me to talk to and I did not want to disturb any of my closest friends.
What about my mommy? I did tell my mommy that I felt that I was being bullied by customers at work but her reply was; "oh, then what you want me to do? "
Few weeks later, someone else in my workplace asked me to share with a then newbie about my experience working in the cafe.
HOWEVER, when I told them that I had finished my piece of my sharing, that someone gave me a doubting remark, " Like this only mehh?". Then only she shared with the both of us about this incident that she seemly emphasized on me that she recently saw the cafe's facebook page that there is a customer "complaining" about me. Initially, I thought it was me. I asked her if she remembered the roughly when was the feedback posted. Then she replied," Oh very long ago already." Immediately after work, I went to check on the time and date of the feedback myself on my IPhone. The feedback stated that it was happened back in October. So, I went to double check with the Google calendar that boss created for us to check the availability of shift vacancy.
Guess what? I did not work for the bloody whole day of the post and I know who was working on the weekends of the week.
I did take it in mind that the customer could have delay her feedback on the facebook page to the next day's NIGHT. I whatsapped my boss and apologized to him before he even reply to my whatsapp messages. (He was on his off day that day.) Boss replied me that the complain was not about me. I repeat, I do know who was working on that week.
FYI, I signed as a weekend staff and the minimum requirement that I needed to fulfill was minimum of 4 shifts per month with more evening shifts than afternoon shifts.
Readers, you may say that I am just replicating a story from my dreamland but I know what I am saying. I have already thought through as I type out this post.
On the bright side, I do have people praising me and Wan Chyng for being nice and well mannered whenever we meet up for meals. The last time we were praised by staffs at Hot Tomato at Causeway Point. We were both shocked by the overwhelming super polite hospitality. One of the staffs came forward and told us that we are really nice and different from other customers from our age or older.
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Sometimes, I will be judged by retail assistants whenever I took size S to the fitting room. Funny as it may seems, there are people who are obviously bigger than me telling me that I am same size as them.
I cried.
I really bought my NIKON D5300 with my hard earned money. I am always thankful for my bosses for hiring me and sharing with me where could I get my DSLR at a much cheaper retail price. But none of my kin believes me.
Previously, an uncle in Christ gave we twins one of his DSLRs... But I was never given a chance to use it... No one believes me.
They praised her and little brother. They assumed I do not like photography. They assumed that I do not even want to try.
I am angry and jealous.
Then I tell myself to find a weekend job to save up for it. My friends suffers. I did not get to hang out with them even more. I hardly hang out with them. I was afraid that mommy might once again accused them for being a bad influence to me. I kept telling her that they were the once who change their plans without whining so that I could spare out some time to hang out with them and explore.
I felt drifted away from my friends. I could not catch up with their conversations anymore.
And there were a lot more that happened. A lot more happened that makes me hate going out. All I want to do is to stay at home as much as possible. Work on my make up skills, hoping that make up would conceal my flaws.
Occasionally, I will receive emails from readers who turns out to be really polite and positive. Those were the emails that keeps me alive and going. Thanks You. Thanks You So Much.
Sorry that I did not show positive energy in this post.
Quote of the post:
"You may say that I'm a dreamer. But I'm not the only one."
With loves,
Shirley Charlin